Senseless
by Verite87
Summary: Lily, Juniper, and Awyn. Sirius, James, Peter, and Remus. Some of their stories would go down in history. Others would fade away in the sun, little more than myth. In truth, they were no more than friends with a penchance for trouble, love, and risk. MWPP
1. Prologue

CHAPTER ONE: The Departures

The ocean was rough that morning, the chill wind whipping it into a frenzy. The sand, usually hot and coarse, had turned to soft cold spun silk overnight. The same wind that made the waves roar was spinning the sand into whirlwinds of light, the tiny prisms suspended in mid-air for a mere second. The sand would then settle into whorls and small mountains, forming new patterns each and every time. Down by the edge of the ocean, where the water lapped in its ivory foam, small prints of sandpipers marked the sand. Each print disappeared just as quickly as it was created, washed away by the gentle yet steady flow of the ocean.

Awyn watched from the balcony of her room, sighing at the thought of leaving the coast once more. Her trunk was packed, her room was neatened, and downstairs her parents and younger sister were waiting to say their goodbyes. Her tabby cat was already in his carry case, ready for the train ride to Hogwarts. She was the only part of the equation missing.

It was not even as though she did not want to go back to school, or that she would miss home terribly. It was just the shift in the wind that frightened her, the way the hair on the back of her neck had been standing on end for the past week and a half. She couldn't be sure of it, but it seemed as though the entire land was on end, waiting for something to change.

But those were merely the delusional thoughts of a seventeen-year-old witch who was no good at divination. The change, if there was to be one in her life, had surely already occurred. What did you call the Death Eaters? What did you call Lord Voldemort? What did you call her older sister's suicide, if not change? The world had already turned, and she, Awyn Wencuvie, was, as always, a step behind.

"Awyn? Wyn?! " Her mother's calls from down the stairs alerted her to the hour. Half past ten when the train would leave at eleven.

"Shit!" came her cry as she stumbled over to her bed, tripping over her bags in the process. "I'm coming mum!" She put on her jeans, quickly slipping on her trainers and glancing in the mirror as she hurriedly ran a comb through her long, messy hair. There were large circles under her eyes, and her face was chapped from the wind. "Shit, shit, shit.!" She muttered under her breath. There was no time for appearance as she wound on her long grey scarf and pulled on the lightweight black jacket. She picked up her wand from the dresser, and with one hurried glance back around the room, levitated her bags and ran out the door.

She met her parents and sister at the bottom of the stairs, giving them each a sloppy kiss on the cheek and a hurried hug. "I've got to run! I'll see you all at the hols!" With a last wink and pat on the head to little Niamh, she grabbed hold of the waiting portkey (it conveniently being her trunk) and felt the tug in her gut. She was off to King's Cross, back to Hogwarts for one last year of gossip, devilry, and schoolwork.

-

-

-

-

"I don't understand why I had to come!" Petunia grumbled from next to Lily, sniffing miserably. "It's not like I care that she's leaving."

Lily's mother turned in her seat with a frown. "I don't want to hear it Petunia. It's your sister's last year at Hogwarts. She's Head Girl!"

"Mum, it's really no big deal," said Lily with a blush.

"Of course it is!" Her father joined in, his eyes on the road. "You have been given a great responsibility."

Her mother nodded. "We're very proud of you." She gave Lily a squeeze on the knee.

"Proud my bum, they're just glad to get you out of the house," Petunia grumbled.

"As if. They'd rather send you away."

"How would you know? You never hear their sighs of relief the moment you disappear through that stupid wall. They're glad to be rid of your glorious magic."

"Girls!" Mrs. Evans rebuked them, turning to radio on. "Do try to behave. You're seventeen years old! You would think, by now…"

She was distracted by the radio as the news came on. "This morning five bodies were found in a London sewer. Believed to be the work of the serial killer that has evaded capture for the past two years, police say that the bodies bear no mark. 'They're completely untouched. It's a mystery to the best doctors in the country,' the newly appointed constable, Roy Burnham, told reporters earlier today. 'We have our best detectives on the case, working full time…"

The newscaster went on to more mundane events and Lily's mother went back to fiddling with the station with only a "Those poor souls!" under her breath.

Lily was wracked by fear. Surely it was the work of Death Eaters. What if one had been Juniper? Or Remus? Or one of her many other friends living in London? It had been easy to forget that the wizard world was living in fear during the summer hols. Her parents knew nothing of Voldemort or his Death Eaters. Lily wanted to keep it that way. There was no need for them to fear every step they made as she did. Their fear would do nothing in the face of such evil. Better to let them lead their lives naïve and happy.

She sighed, glancing over at Petunia. Her sister sat with a grimace on her face and her arms tightly crossed. Before Lily's letter, Petunia and she had been far from close. But they had still acted as sisters, allowing acts of kindness amid the constant squabbling. Now they acted as frigid enemies. Lily had hoped that over the years her older sister would reconcile their differences. But after six years, she was done with praying for her forgiveness over something she could not control. She was a witch. She would remain a witch till the day she died. It was the way it was.

The car came to a stop, jolting Lily out of her reverie. They had arrived at the outskirts of London. She took in the tall buildings, the old streets mixed in with the new pavement. Her home in Nottingham may have been in the city, but there was no place on earth like London. She smiled at the mess of traffic and the people roaming the streets. Soon she would be at King's Cross and from there she would head home. Hogwarts was beckoning to her. It was her last year. Her last year. The concept was difficult to grasp. But it was true and she was going to enjoy it with all she had. She would, she would, she would. She smiled defiantly out the window, thoughts of Voldemort flying from her head.

-

-

-

-

"Johnny, shush, Lewis, stand closer to your sister." Mrs. Tolvey was trying desperately to get her extremely disorganized family to settle into an organized picture on the front stoop of their London apartment. Each of her children (Juniper, the eldest, followed by the twins Johnny and Lewis) held a struggling cat in their arms and the twins were currently involved in an exchange of rude faces.

Juniper rolled her eyes. Every year her mother attempted the same thing. Every year it turned out several crazy photos depicting limbs flying everywhere and usually at least one hissing cat. Still, she loved it. It described her family perfectly: their odd dynamic, with the power horse single mother, wild yet obedient eldest daughter who cooked dinner every night of the summer but looked like a hell raiser, the one twin who was overly studious, the other who was overly playful, and the three skittish, drainpipe thin cats. She wouldn't have it any other way. The only families she had ever known were like this: a blend of people thrown together and stirred several times with a dash of salt and several dashes of sugar.

Juniper almost laughed aloud, thinking how different things were, She pushed back her short black hair, stroking the magenta streak out of habit, and smiled. First, second, and third year, they hadn't been friends. Then fourth year, they suddenly became inseparable. The three girls: Awyn, Lily, and Juniper. Juniper had never thought she and Lily Evans would be friends and she certainly never would have guessed little Awyn Wencuvie, loner and general outcast of Gryffindor and the school at large, would have brought them all together. But stranger things had been seen at Hogwarts,

This day she was on her way to Hogwarts for the last time, the last year. And she was excited as hell. Sure, there were NEWTS to worry about, but there were also pranks, Quidditch, a certain boy, and her friends, her second family, to look forward to.

She frowned, thinking again about her friends, and Awyn in particular. She had heard from Awyn only once that summer, at the very beginning and the correspondence had been a brief one. In fact, since that fateful day in February, Awyn had been more subdued than usual, her customary laugh seldom heard except perhaps when one of the Marauders would pull an exceptionally funny prank.

"June, darling, stop pouting. I know you despise this but really," her mother paused anxiously, "It's your last year."

"Aww, mum," Juniper replied, pushing thoughts of Awyn from her mind, "please don't cry, you don't want your face to be red in the picture."

Mrs. Tolvey pulled herself together. "No, of course not," she said briskly. She swept a hand across her face and set the timer on the camera, jumping into the picture frame with a large smile on her face.

It was all Juniper could do to keep from crying. It was her last year.

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	2. Awoken

CHAPTER 2: Awoken

-

-

Juniper woke with the sun in her eyes and smiled. _The first morning of the last year. The last first morning._ She yawned, stretching her bare, pale arms above her head and swung her legs out of bed. Her friends didn't call her a morning bird for nothing. Friends that, she noticed with a smirk, were still asleep. _Not for long._

Lily awoke with a shout when Juniper pounced on her. She hit the other girl over the head with her pillow. "What in hell were you thinking?" Lily was not a morning person.

Awyn awoke with a sigh. The start of what promised to be an ugly year. Last night had been fine...but being woken with a shout…not promising, to say the least.

The girls had already fallen into their old patterns: Juniper would awaken Lily and then Lily would awaken Awyn, the only one with enough courage to awaken their remaining roommates: Jenny Castler and Fern Danvers. The two other girls were Lily's former friends and detested all three girls. It made the dorm situation a bit awkward, but what could one do?

After being woken and changing into her robes, Awyn headed down to breakfast, skipping a shower. Lily and Juniper took the stolen time to discuss their friend's waning humour worriedly.

"Ever since her sister…I'm really worried, J. I mean _really _worried."

"I know. It's frustrating because she never talks about anything. She's too private. You know that. She'll never tell us what's wrong."

"We'll have to beat it out of her." Lily joked viciously.

"We may have to," replied Juniper sadly.

"I hope not." Lily sighed. "She's going to have to talk to someone about it eventually. I hope."

-

-

-

-

-

Meanwhile….

Awyn entered the Great Hall to the shouts and laughs of the Marauders, who each greeted her with a large hug despite the fact that they had spent hours in the common room the previous evening.

"Ace! What's up kid?" Sirius had on a cheeky grin as he slung his arm around Awyn, who shrugged it off.

"Not much. Just a bit tired." She glared at James and Sirius as she said this and they blushed, knowing they had been the ones to keep her up in a discussion about Quidditch.

"Aww, come off it, Ace." James laughed at her angry expression.

"These two buffoons keep you up?" joked Remus, sliding onto the bench next to "Ace."

"Of course. They do every opportunity they get."

"It's the same here," grumbled Peter. "Every night. You should hear them in the dormitory. James is all 'Lily this, Lily that,' and Sirius is just…well you know."

Awyn rolled her eyes. "Unfortunately, yes I do."

"We're not that bad," pouted Sirius who was on her other side. James and Peter were walking around to the other side of the table and soon Marauders surrounded Awyn.

"Well, let me think about it for a sec." Awyn mimed a thoughtful pose. "Yes, yes you are," she concluded as Lily and Juniper walked into the hall.

"Hey beautiful."

Lily hit James playfully on the shoulder. "Hey ugly."

"Hey Remus." Juniper scooted in next to Remus and he turned towards her. The two began to animatedly discuss what the NEWT level Charms class would be like. Awyn smiled at the two before turning to Sirius.

"So. You ready for DADA?" She pronounced the acronym as though it were a word.

"Dada? Are you my daddy?"

Awyn rolled her eyes yet again.

"I swear, if you keep doing that you're eyes will just stick like that," commented James.

Awyn rolled her eyes again for spite.

Lily had sat down with Peter and was currently asking the boy how his summer had gone.

"Oh not terribly. I was at James's a lot. That was terrible…"

Lily smiled. Peter seemed more confident this year. Maybe he had finally grown into himself. Then he took a sip of his tea and let half of it drip down his chin. Or not.

McGonagall came around with their schedules. Awyn, Lily, and Sirius had identical ones. Peter had classes with Remus and James, who had two classes (DADA and Transfiguration) with the others. Juniper had all classes except Herbology with Awyn.

The first class of the day was DADA and all of the Gryffindors were pleased. They all had it together, they were all aces at the subject, and, better yet, they all loved it. So they headed off to class with smiles on their faces.

Awyn, who held up the back of the Leo procession, frowned softly to herself. As glad as she was to be back among friends, something was still tingling at the back of her mind, like a sixth sense alerting her to the fact that something was missing.

-

-

-

-

-

"This year we shall be studying the most complex of all the defence skills. I expect that by now you have all mastered nonverbal spells…" Looking around the classroom and seeing the uneasy faces, the new young professor sighed. Only one girl looked unfazed by the news that they should know this defence mechanism. A girl who looked uncannily like…no, but it couldn't be.

He called on her, the girl with amber eyes and wavy hair. "Miss…"

"Wencuvie."

"Yes, Miss Wencuvie." The young man was only thrown off guard for a second. "Would you be willing to demonstrate a nonverbal spell?"

The rest of the class looked at Awyn with pity in their eyes for having been put on the spot, but Awyn simply lifted her wand and the paperweight globe on Professor Larkin's desk began to levitate.

"Well done. Ten points to Gryffindor. Is anyone else willing to try?"

A cocky looking boy with smooth black hair in the front row raised his hand.

"Mr…Black, I believe it is?"

"Yes sir." Sirius raised his wand and the paperweight blew up and then magically fixed itself.

"Ten more points to Gryffindor! Anyone else?" No one raised their hands. "Alright then, pair up and try them out. Mr. Black and Miss Wencuvie, if you could please see me."

The two gave each other curious looks as they headed up to Professor Larkin's desk. The new professor was young and, if Awyn recalled correctly, had graduated from Hogwarts when they were second years.

"You two seem to have mastered the nonverbal spells. So now I want you to try to use wandless magic. It's very advanced magic…Miss Wencuvie are you paying attention?"

Awyn had begun to look around the room at the others attempting nonverbal spells. She turned back to Larking with a bored expression. "I already have," she replied in her soft Welsh accent.

"Already have what?"

"Worked on wandless magic. My father taught me when I was," she thought for a minute, "thirteen. It runs in the family."

"Would you please demonstrate?"

Awyn kept her hands by her sides and glanced straight ahead. Next to them the desk began to levitate and then burst into flame.

"Impressive. And you Mr. Black?"

"I know it too." The desk was extinguished by a stream of water and then dried magically by a gust of hot air.

"Well, you two are certainly very advanced for your age. Any reason?"

"It's our families. We're both from old families. Very powerful old families. They like their kids to carry on the tradition."

Larkin sighed. _What was he going to do with these two?_ And then it came to him.

"Do you two know of Occlumency?"

The stunned looks on their faces told him they did.

-

-

-

-

-

Lily was exhausted by the end of the day. Nonverbal practice always gave her headaches and it seemed that all of the teachers expected them to be aces at it. But only Sirius, Awyn, and two Ravenclaws did it perfectly every time. There had even been rumours that the four were going to learn wandless magic.

Lily sighed. Head Girl responsibilities were also more than she had expected. Good thing for her that James was Head Boy. At least he did his work. If it had been Sirius…

Besides, James was fun. He made her laugh. He had since fourth year, truthfully, but she could never show it. Not since she promised she would hate him until the day they saw Dumbledore ride a broom. An incident which they had in fact witnessed at the end of last year when he went off somewhere during a Quidditch match. So she was off the hook, thank god. She didn't know much longer she would have lasted.

Now, all of this is not to say she liked him. She wanted him as a friend, but she wanted a certain Ravenclaw prefect as more…

Lily was not the type to openly confess her love for anyone, so none of her friends even knew. But Evan Farling turned her on in a major way. She was permitted, in the secret depths of her heart, to think this way. But on the outside she was merely sweet innocent Lily. Her friends knew better, but not much.

It was always assumed that Lily was the innocent, Juniper the wild one, and Awyn the middle child. In fact, in some ways Juniper was more innocent than Lily. And Awyn…well no one could speak for that girl.

Lily pondered her friend for a moment as she sat in one of the plush chairs by the roaring fire. The girl was, as Juniper and she had noted that morning, particularly mellow. It used to be that Awyn laughed uproariously at the smallest of things. Now, she barely laughed at all. Lily thought there must have been something more than just her sister's death, but she couldn't put her finger on _what_ it could be.

Just then, James plopped into the armchair next to her. "What's all the sighing for, Flower?"

"What is with your addiction to nicknames?"

"I like them," James shrugged. "Don't you?"

"Not really when mine is something wilting and impermanent."

"But a flower is beautiful."

"James give it up. I won't go out with you. I like someone else." The words were out of Lily's mouth before she knew what was happening. _Shit, shit, merde!_

"Oh, well, who?"

"Evan Farling." Once more Lily was shocked at herself.

"That prat? You could do much better."

"With you?"

"Better even than me." It was the first truly humble thing James had ever said in Lily's presence. She sighed again.

"You won't tell anyone?"

"Of course not, Marauder code of secrecy and all that."

Lily laughed. "All that?"

"Yea, all that."  
-

-

-

-

-

Awyn watched silently from a corner as James and Lily chatted for the next hour. She had walked into the common room to see the two engaged in conversation and had immediately decided to spy. Everyone but Lily knew they were perfect for each other. It was like nonverbal spells to Awyn: it should just happen quickly and easily. No fuss, no mess. But there had been almost seven years of mess for the couple.

She hoped it was coming to an end. That would be one less headache.

She sighed, rubbing her forehead. The current headache was caused by a thing she would not, could not, mention. A thing she knew her friends were beginning to wonder at. She couldn't risk the relentless questioning they would submit her to. Couldn't risk breaking down and revealing everything. She would have to put up a braver face. She sighed again.

"Should I start playing the violin?" Sirius's voice gave Awyn a minor heart attack, or at least what felt like one.

She sighed again for effect and Sirius lifted up his arms as though he were tuning a violin. She giggled and tugged him down next to her. "Shhh, I'm spying." She pointed out the cosy couple on the couch.

"Oh. Progress." Sirius sounded unexpectedly melancholy.

'What? Jealous of your best mate?"

He surprised her with his honest answer. "A bit, yeah."

"What?"

"The girl I want never laughs at my jokes. She barely even sees me at all."

"No girl would turn you down Sirius. I'm sure if you just tried…"

"I did," he replied glumly. "She just wants to be friends.'

"Who is this elusive girl?"

"Miranda Bar. Ravenclaw."

Awyn wrinkled her nose. "You know what they say. Ugly name, ugly girl."

"Do they really?" Sirius cocked an eyebrow at her.

She laughed. "No, not really."

"Didn't think so. She's gorgeous."

"Bit of a big nose if you ask me. And small ears. Bad proportions."

"Shut it!"

Awyn laughed jovially. "You're in lurrrvvee."

"No!"

"Yeah. You love Miranda. I bet you didn't even ask her out, you're so afraid of being rejected."

"Shut it! Be serious."

"You are already." Awyn laughed again. "That…was…such a…bad…pun!" she snorted.

Sirius shoved her, knocking her out of her seat and started to laugh at the expression on her face before she shoved him back and they collapsed in a heap.

-

-

-

-

-

Across the room, James and Lily watched the two. Lily's mouth was open in amazement.

"That's the happiest I've seen her yet."

"It's only the first day."

"Still…you know Awyn."

"Yeah, I do know Ace."

"Why do you guys call her that?"

James shrugged. "Because she's an ace at everything.

Lily sighed. "Except telling people what she feels."

"Yeah." The two sat in silence for a moment before James perked up.

"Maybe she's in love with Moony and she knows she can't have him."

"Why wouldn't she be able to have him?"

"Because he's a…" James caught himself just in time. Lily was just too easy to talk to.

"A werewolf?"

James drew in a sharp intake of breath. "How long have you known?"

Lily shrugged. "Since fourth year. It's not that difficult to figure out. How did you know Awyn knew?"

"Moony told her. I think he's in love with her."

"Really? Now that is interesting."

"Why?"

"Oh nothing, just nothing."

"What's up guys?" Peter had just entered the common room and, avoiding the pillow fight now ensuing between Awyn and Sirius, had come to sit next to Lily.

"Not much, just talking," answered Lily. "How was your day?"

"Eh, decent. Completely blanked in Transfiguration, thought McGonagall would blow a gasket when I changed the lizard into an alligator."

James guffawed at this. "Pete, you are my hero. Did the alligator do much?"

"Wreaked a bit of havoc among the girls, bit Alex Boot's pant leg: he's lucky it didn't eat his leg."

"That's awesome!"

"It's awful."

"Oh, come on Lils, the prat deserves it."

Lily shrugged, unwilling to comment.

Remus joined the three soon, followed by Juniper. Sirius and Awyn sat in their corner discussing Quidditch while the rest sat by one of the many fireplaces and discussed the coming year, making plans, and predicting what would happen. As the night came, they slowly filtered off to their rooms, until just James and Sirius were left.

The two smiled at each other quietly, looking around the room in peace.

"It's the last year mate," Sirius spoke in a mere murmur, but James understood him perfectly. He nodded.

"Best make the most of it."

And with that, the first day was finished.


	3. The Flower At Rest

CHAPTER THREE: The Flower At Rest

The first Saturday of term came all too slowly in Lily's mind. The days leading up to it dragged on and on, days of classes and nauseating sessions of wandless magic that left her dizzy and exhausted. Still, she couldn't help but find time to laugh. Laugh at the antics of Sirius and James, laugh at Peter's many blunders, laugh at Juniper's faces. And cry at Awyn's somber mood. But that was a thought for another day.

Today was a day to soak in the autumn sun, to sit outside in muggle clothes (god bless the new dress code). Lily awoke to the sun and _had _to smile. No matter what was occurring in the outside world, life was good on this day.

She remembered another day just like this, two years ago, playing in the autumn sun…

_Awyn laughed jovially, holding Lily's camera above her head. The shorter red head tried desperately to get it back, but the tall girl ran, the camera still held above her head. Lily tried to catch up, breathing heavily, when a blur came out of nowhere to knock her over. Juniper was laughing at Lily's shocked expression as the fell to the ground. Lily, finally seeing the humor in the situation, began to laugh big rolling laughs coming out of her mouth and resounding on the hill by the lake. _

_Awyn finished running her victory lap and collapsed next to them, placing the camera at Lily's side. All three girls were laughing hysterically. _

"_Let's roll down the hill," Juniper was still giggling, pale cheeks blushing a vibrant red. The three girls placed their belongings (Lily's camera, Awyn's sunglasses, and Juniper's book) in a heap. They lined themselves up and went spiraling down the hill, limbs flying crazily as they rolled without care, in a whirlwind of the smell of grass, the sun in their eyes, and the spring air that curled around them. It was a rapturous day. _

Lily sighed. These days were long gone, belonged to a different girl now. A girl who knew naught of Voldemort and death. A girl who did not recognize the sinister glare of the Mercury in the night sky, an omen to the danger that lay nearby.

Shaking her head of red hair, Lily shook these thoughts form her mind. She was determined to be happy today. She headed outside, red blanket tucked under her arm. And ran conveniently into…

"Evan Farling!"

"That's my name, don't wear it out."

"Oh, ah, how are you?"

"Good. Ummm, do I know you?"

"I'm in your Herbology class. And umm, I'm Head Girl," Lily squeaked.

"Oh right. Lily, uhh, Evans, is it? Bumbledore's favorite student?" Evan sneered.

Lily became confused. "Bumbledore?"

"Yeah. The man's crazy."

"He's a genius!"

"Yeah, whatever. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion," Evan shrugged, blond hair waving in the wind. Lily gulped. Struck by a sudden thought, she spoke again.

"Hey, did you hear about the Flander's quidditch team?"

"Yeah! Crazy right? I mean that seeker's got to be mad. I didn't know you were into quidditch."

"Yeah, well I am." _Or at least now I am,_ she voiced silently. "My best friend, Awyn Wencuvie you know? She's on the Gryffindor team. I play with her sometimes," Lily lied calmly.

"She's bloody brilliant at quidditch. I mean, _really_ bloody brilliant. Are you any good?"

"Decent, I guess. Not near good enough to try for the team, but decent."

"Same here. Hey, maybe sometime we could play. You, me, and Awyn."

"Yeah!"

Evan had continued talking over Lily. "I would love to meet her. Hey, maybe you could set us up on a date? Am I her type?"

In one second flat, Lily was crushed. "Uhhh, she's not really dating right now. I've got to run now. Laters!"

And she literally ran. She kept running until she reached the edge of the lake, where she promptly threw herself into the grass and began to sob. Evan Farling. What a prick! He liked her best friend. Everyone bloody adored Awyn. They _all _idolized her. And she was stuck being her best friend who she often chose to ignore.

Lily knew she was being irrational, but couldn't help it. Awyn got everything. Perfect figure, perfect grades, perfect face, and perfect Quidditch skills. Perfect everything. Well aside from the sister thing. Lily smiled smugly and thought for a brief second that it served her right. Then she broke into louder sobs at the cruel thought.

And that's when James Potter found her. He saw her from afar and recognized the flaming red hair. What he didn't recognize at first were the sobs that were shaking her curvy figure. His greeting was caught in his throat as her realized what they were. Instead of a shout, he sat down to her with a murmur.

"It's okay, it's okay, shhh."

"I ….am …an…awful," Lily sobbed, "person."

"Hey, no way."

"I'm awful! Awful! I don't deserve comfort."

James patted her on the back awkwardly. "What is all this about?"

"I'm an awful friend….nobody loves me anymore."

"I love you," replied James quietly.

"That doesn't count. You barely know me."

"The people who know you still love you. Juniper loves you, Remus loves you, Awyn loves you."

"No! No she doesn't. Or she shouldn't."

"What are you on about?"

"I just…James," Lily looked up at him, her eyes a vibrant green, brighter than he had ever seen, through her tears. "I thought for a second, that she deserved it. That she deserved what happened to her sister." Lily drew in a deep, calming breath. "What kind of friend thinks that? What kind of _person _thinks that?"

"A person who's been hurt. A person who doesn't know what's going on with her best friend. Not a bad person. A bad person would actually mean it. You didn't."

"I feel like I am losing her."

James shrugged. "You have to give her room. Give her some time. She'll come around."

"I just never expected it from her. She seemed so…strong."

"We're all weak at times. We all get hurt."

"Who made you so wise all of a sudden?"

James shrugged again. "I don't know. I think…I think I'm growing up. But Lily, you have me, you have Jay, you have Remus, you even have Sirius and Peter. We all love you."

"I'm not sure if I have Jay."

"Why wouldn't you?"

"She's too consumed with her love for Remus." Lily rolled her eyes and then caught herself. "Bugger! You are way too easy to talk to James Potter."

"And you are way too gorgeous, Lily Evans."

"Oh shut it. I can't believe I told you that. I was sworn to secrecy."

"It's not like it's really a secret."

"What?!"

"She's kind of obvious about it."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Well we girls are just a mess aren't we?"

"Yeah, I guess you are."

Lily hit him over the head and then remembered her former promise to have fun. "Hey, do you want to roll down the hill?"

James looked behind them at the hill and grinned. "Race you to the top."

-

-

-

-

-

James and Lily both fell into a deep sleep that night after their exhausting day. They had rolled own hills, climbed trees, slid down banisters, and basically acted like kids all day. Lily had laughed in one day more than she had the whole term.

James really wasn't so bad after all.

-

-

-

-

-

Monday morning dawned bright and clear, and Lily was disappointed to have to go to classes. At least McGonagall's was last. By the end of the day he was worn out, but the strict professor had a soft spot for her seventh year class. She went easy on them that day, seeing the exhaustion in their eyes. They were all long overdue for a good sleep, despite the fact that it had been the weekend and half of them had slept past noon the previous day.

Lily sighed and looked around at her friends.

Juniper was staring at Remus, Remus was staring at Awyn, ho was staring into space. James was, supriingly enough, sitting on her left. She poked him in the elbow and whispered in his ear.

"Look at Juniper."

James glanced over at her, then at Juniper. He laughed quietly. "She's catching flies."

It was Lily's turn to laugh. She then turned back to the hedgehog she was trying to silently transform into a rock. Turning animate objects inanimate was one of the most difficult things to do silently. They had been working on it for the past week and all Lily had managed to do was make her hedgehog turn into moving rock creature.

James on the other hand, had gotten his to work on the first try. He was now transforming a goat into a chair.

"How are you doing that?" Lily asked when he got it to wok on his third try.

"I don't really know. I just…well it's kind of embarrassing." James blushed. "I ask the animal to turn into it and then I do the spell. Like asking permission."

"That is strange. You want to help me out?"

"Sure." James was elated by the close friendship he was forming with Lily. They had never been enemies per say, but this was a vast improvement from what they had been. "What are you doing?"

"I kind of just say the spell in my head and pray that it works."

James laughed. "Try this. Instead of just saying it, try and send it out. Like push it from your mind."

Lily scrunched up her face and tried to push it out without saying a word. Her hedgehog transformed with a pop.

"Well done, Miss Evans! Ten points to Gryffindor."

Lily smiled elatedly at James.

He laughed and told her she might want to work on her facial expression when doing nonverbal spells.

"You might want to work on your face period, Potter."

It was then his turn to smack her on the head.

**!PLEASE REVIEW!**


	4. The Woes of Juniper

CHAPTER 4: The Woes of Juniper

br 

br 

br 

Remus Lupin was a werewolf. She had known this for a long time, but that night two weeks into the first term of the final year, staring up at the full moon, she came to the realization. He was a werewolf. The man she had fallen in love with was a werewolf. And yes, she was in love with him. It may have been unrequited, but it was love. And she knew he loved Awyn, or that he should love Awyn. They were the perfect match. Both scarred, both strong enough to move on from it.

And she couldn't even hold it against her friend.

Life was just to confusing right now.

And this Potions essay just did not want to be finished.

Juniper yawned loudly and looked around the room at the sleeping forms of her roommates. Well, the sleeping forms of most of her roommates. Awyn's bed was, as had become usual, empty. The girl never came to bed before three a.m. Not anymore.

Lily was tossing and turning, red hair a bloody halo around her head. Those green eyes fluttered nervously beneath paper thin eyelids, coated with freckles like the rest of her skin. Juniper frowned, wondering what her friend was dreaming. Could it be of Awyn, of Voldemort, of James, of any of the many worries she knew plagued her friend.

Any of the many worries that plagued them all.

You could not live within the walls of Hogwarts without knowing at least three people who had relatives killed by Voldemort. Perhaps you were even one of those three. It was an ever pervasive thought. If you were bored in class, you might be persuaded to listen if there was a mention of something that could aid you against He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. The most famous wizard, excluding Dumbledore, of their time. The most feared wizard ever. That was easily argued. No one had feared any other wizard as much. Voldemort was no man, he was a monster.

And he had killed Awyn's sister, a daughter of the most powerful wizarding family. The Wencuvie's were not a family to be scoffed at. Perhaps not as well known as the Blacks or the Malfoys, they were nonetheless the richest, most powerful family. Purebloods, but blood traitors. Well, aside from Liadan. Liadan had joined up with Voldemort during her last year at Hogwarts, a mere five years ago. Even then, his name had meant terror. They had been living in fear for ten long years, as long as Juniper could remember. She lived in fear everyday for her family. Her mother could very well be his next target. Her husband had already been one.

She was always afraid. And now she was in love with a werewolf. Great. Just Great. Throw in the fact that he didn't care for her one bit and you had the perfect situation.

Juniper stroked her magenta streak nervously. Her black fingernails were chipped and her onyx ring shone bright in the moonlight. She was a petite girl, not even 5'5". Her black hair was coarse and short, with one bold streak of magenta. She had a single lip piercing with a sapphire stone and a tattoo that meant fire in Arabic on her shoulder. Often mistaken for a biker (she actually owned one beat up bike that she was in the process of restoring), Juniper Tolvey wanted to be a healer. She already had a junior healer's license (A/N: the wizarding equivalent of being a certified EMT assistant) and was in the process of applying to several healer academies. She was not as vicious as she seemed.

Her clock beeped two a.m. Juniper sighed and stretched her arms above her head. Time for bed. The potions essay would have to wait for the morning. She rolled up the parchment, humming under her breath and then stopped as the dormitory door creaked open. Awyn was home.

She could hear the muffled sobs as she sat in silence. Awyn's dark hair was matted and her amber eyes glowed with unshed tears. She was dressed in torn tights and tall red boots, body sheathed in a thin, short golden dress. She stank of smoke and alcohol and, as she tumbled into bed, Juniper could see a fresh cut on the back of her arm.

What had happened to her friend? What had happened to the laughter and to the stories? Awyn had become the life of the party in the last three years, with her tall tales and skill as a dj. Now there were no parties in Gryffindor. There was only the space once inhabited by Ace, the pocket of air left empty by the ghost of a girl who had returned from the summer hardened and scarred.

Snuffles filled the room as Awyn fell into a comatose sleep, lying on top of the rumpled gold bed spread. Juniper knelt by her friend, and pressing her wand to the bleeding wound on her friend's arm, healed the cut. She slowly untied Awyn's boots and slipped the tights and dress off. Her friend lay naked on the bed, tanned body shining in the moonlight. Thin, silver crisscrosses marred her perfect body, reminders of all that she had endured. The purple birthmark on her stomach glowed with a supernatural light under the moon. Juniper slipped one of her own black t-shirts over the girl's head gently. The t-shirt fit loosely on the emaciated girl. Juniper pulled the grey cashmere throw that she had given her friend for Christmas last year over Awyn's body, and shoved a pillow gently beneath the sleeping girl's head.

"J?" Lily had awoken. "Is she okay."

Juniper nodded and, pressing her finger to her lips. crawled into Lily's bed. Lily wrapped her arms around her small friend, holding Juniper as she began to cry.

Their last year, and there were more than enough tears to go around.


	5. Occlumency and Something Else

CHAPTER 5: Occlumency

br

br

Professor Larkin had not forgotten about his promise to Sirius and Awyn. He had scheduled a meeting with them for a Friday night, something Sirius protested greatly. The two Gryffindors headed down to his dungeon office and arrived at 5:30 on the dot. Larkin was waiting outside for them.

"We're going to be go to the staff room. It's quieter there than down here. I have lots of…dark creatures. They tend to be quite loud."

The three headed up two levels of stairs, turned down three dark corridors, and entered into the staff room, which was conveniently enough, empty.

"Now, I want you to try some meditation first. Have either of you either done any?"

Both Gryffindors shook their heads no. Neither were the types to sit still in silence. Or at least they hadn't been before. Now…now perhaps Awyn was. Perhaps that was the reason she settled into it so easily, her breath strong and even.

She felt suddenly, a wave of peace that she hadn't experienced recently. All worries about her sister had slipped away. All that was left was her breath and the thoughts of a house surrounded by lavender, white washed walls covered by spreading goldenrod. She unlocked the door slowly, surprised to find herself in a room with walls covered with mirrors. Her reflection was projected back to her over and over again, the amber eyes deep sunk in her face, the hair a tangled mess let loose. She frowned. Her hair had been up in real life. This must be some otherworld.

She stepped back outside the door to find a great black unicorn waiting for her. She frowned. She was no virgin. This unicorn should never have approached her. Hesitantly, she reached out her hand, palm open to the sky. The black mare snuffled into her palm, whiskers tickling her. It was then that Awyn realized the unicorn was not black, but a deep blue, spangled with silver stardust. A blue roan: absolutely magnificent.

As a child, a young unicorn foal that had been a blue roan as well had haunted Awyn. She had later learned that there was no such thing as a blue roan unicorn: they only came in the typical variety of white, silver, and black. But here she was. Her unicorn had found her once more.

-

-

-

-

-

Larkin watched the two meditate for a moment. Awyn's long hair, the curls springing from her ponytail, reminded him so much of her sister. He felt a dull ache in the place where his heart was, a dull ache that occurred whenever he thought of Niamh and her unfortunate fate. Sighing, he sunk down into his own meditation.

-

-

-

-

-

Sirius was wandering in the woods. He was vaguely aware of the fact that in truth he was sitting on top of a table across from Awyn and Professor Larkin, but his dream self was blind to this fact. He was in the shape of Padfoot, the pads of his paws caressed by the thick cushion of pine needles beneath them. It was obviously before dawn, with sunlight just creeping along the edges of his vision. He loped along, enjoying the breeze in his coat and the earth beneath his paws. Today was a good day to be alive.

-

-

-

-

-

Larkin shook himself from meditation an hour later and turned towards his two students. The two were obviously in deep. It would be a pleasure to teach such obviously gifted students.

He reached over and grabbed Awyn by the shoulder. Her eyes opened to him, the amber smiling. Her lips curled into a grin. "I saw a unicorn."

"A unicorn?"

"She was a blue roan. I used to dream of her when I was a child."

"Oh."

Larkin seemed sad to Awyn for unknown reasons, so she reached out to cover his hand with her own. "Are you alright?"

Larkin looked up at her, grief clouding his eyes. "Yes, yes, of course," he replied briskly. Her hand was still resting on his and the physical contact was making his heart race.

"Really? Because you don't look it."

"I was just...thinking, is all." He looked down at their hands, her tan skin a dark contrast to his pale hands. "We should probably wake him," he said, looking back up into Awyn's eyes.

"Your eyes are green. I never noticed before." Her voice was soft and curious, nothing like Niamh's forceful tones.

Larkin could sense that things were getting dangerous, could sense that perhaps he should wake up Sirius and get on with the lesson. Instead, he dove farther in, reaching up his unoccupied hand to release Awyn's hair from its tight ponytail. Her espresso colored locks tumbled down around her face, frizzy in their release.

"You never wear your hair down," he murmured. Awyn leaned in closer to him as his hand cupped her cheek, turning her left profile towards him. There was a tiny silver scar beneath her left ear tht ran the length of her jaw. He traced it lightly.

"My older brother hit me once with the end of his broom. One of the twigs caugh in my skin and left this." Awyn blushed under his touch, red flowing up under her skin. She leaned into his hand again and Larkin was swept into memory…

_Larkins's body was on fire. There was a bed in the room and all he could think of was what would happen if he took two steps towards her and kissed her again. Never, not once with Alex, had he felt like this. He couldn't imagine where it came from. All he knew was that he wanted her hands on his body, her lips on his face._

_He made the first move. She would stick to that later, but really they both knew the truth. There was nowhere better to be but here. _

_Her hands were driving him crazy and she backed up until the back of her legs hit the bed. They came tumbling down, Milo's head smacking her shoulder._

"_Oww." Niamh rubbed her shoulder._

_Milo grinned. "That's not awkward. I should be smoother."_

"_You're perfect just the way you are."_

"_Don't go sappy on me."_

"_Shhh."_

_Her body moved with his and slowly they shed their wet layers, scattering them on the bed as they moved to the head. His body was a finely structured as his face, the bones beautiful, the skin like translucent parchment. _

"_You're beautiful," she whispered in amazement as he took her lips captive, bruising them with the strength of his kiss. His hands were everywhere, running over her thighs, tracing circles on her stomach, caressing her breast. His lips made trail marks down her shoulder. _

_She gripped his back, pulling herself to him, making their bodies' meet, each touch like fire and ice. _

Larkin came back to the present moment with a deep intake of breath. That had been some time ago, and this was now. A different girl, a different time and place.

He looked at Awyn, staring deep into her amber eyes, so different from the warm brown of her sister's. This girl was more dangerous, less soft curves than her sister. Less to hold onto, more like a wisp of wind than the soft earth her sister had been. He leaned forward and kissed her, capturing her mouth as much as he had captured her sister's so long ago.

He pulled out of it just as soon as it had begun. Awyn looked at him with the eyes of a child. Innocence seeped from her very pores. Only her eyes, keen and playful spoke differently. And her hands, when she pulled him back in for another kiss.

Larkin stopped it before it could get too far. He felt suffocated, his very breath leeched out of him. With a shake of the head, he turned to Sirius and awoke him.

"What? What? Oh, hey professor." Sirius took in Professor Larkin's frightened expression, Awyn's loose hair, and both of their shifty gazes and immediately asked what had happened.

"Nothing," was their poorly synchronized reply.

Professor Larkin then excused them, asking them to meet the next Tuesday night, a night he knew very well that they had off from Quidditch. As they were leaving, their teacher's voice rang back to them.

"Awyn, would you wait a moment? I'd like to speak with you."

Sirius had known something had happened. He waved Awyn on, then crept after her, gazing through the crack in the door as it swung shut. He watched as Awyn went over to Larkin, placing her hands on his hips, as there lips touched, Sirius pulled back.

_A teacher and a student? Something was very wrong here, and it wasn't just Niamh's murder._


	6. The Breaking Point

CHAPTER 5: The Breaking Point

br 

br 

The next morning…

br 

br 

It wasn't her death. It didn't have to be her death. _The body falling off the cliff, running so fast, screaming "Liadan, Liadan," over and over._ No dark figure giving a little push, no Killing Curse. Awyn shut her eyes to block out the image, only succeeding in blocking out the bright view of Hogwarts at dawn. The image played over and over in her head: her sister's body tumbling over the cliff edge. Lithe form, light hair, disappearing into a crack in the world. Oldest sister, dearest sister, falling to her peril. And in the end, what did you know? Did you know that you couldn't run fast enough to save her? Did you know that love would kill her in the end? Did you know who she was? Did you even know her favorite color?

Awyn looked up and sighed. She was doing that a lot lately. Her friends thought she was sad because her sister had been killed. It was the truth. Her sister had been killed, not by Voldemort, but by the worm in her head, eating away at her thoughts. Her sister had been killed by love, another victim fallen to the perils of unrequited love. Life had killed her sister, and Awyn had done nothing to save her. Awyn, the savior. Awyn, the ace. Ace who couldn't even say one kind word to keep her own sister from the edge.

And no one knew, and the world turned on. But Awyn's world was turned on its head. Her parents were destroyed: you could see it in their eyes. Her youngest sister was confused and cried herself to sleep. And her oldest brother had gotten married and acted like nothing at all had happened.

This was how it was with death. As time wore on there was still more to come. More of this pain, more of the tears. Every day there was some new wound. And no-one knew and it went on and on. On and on and never and never.

Awyn let the tears run down her cheeks as she turned her face to the sun.

-

-

-

-

-

Juniper woke to find Awyn's bed empty every morning for the first three weeks of the term. She woke to find her friend's pillow wet, her shoes gone, and her laughter missing. It was like she had become a ghost. The old Awyn brushed past you sometimes, a whiff of her scent (lavender and goldenrod), the lilt of her voice, the cadence of her laugh. But no more than a brush in the dark, feather light.

On the Saturday after the third week, Juniper woke before dawn to see where her friend got to. She woke to find Awyn already awake, sitting crying on the windowsill. She stepped out of bed to reach out to her friend, but Awyn just brushed past, and flew down the steps, Juniper racing after her.

"Stop! Stop following me! Stop chasing me!" Awyn shouted over her shoulder as she sped down the steps, hair spread out in a dark cape behind her.

Juniper, taken aback at her once gentle friend's tone, halted. Awyn spun on her heel and shouted at her.

"Stop trying to be my friend. Stop trying to comfort me. Stop your pity and your…your compassion! I don't need your friendship. I don't deserve it, I don't want it. Not anymore. She's dead and you just don't get it. You think it can all be solved by a hug and a cup of tea. It can't be. It can never be _solved_. She's gone and you'll never understand. I don't deserve anything good. Nothing! So just leave me alone!"

"A little dramatic don't you think?" Sirius's wry voice broke into their conversation and, before she knew what she had done, Awyn slapped him.

"Oh…oh my god, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Sirius, I'm sorry."

Sirius laughed, raising his own hand to his cheek. "You are a little drama queen this morning."

Awyn laughed through her tears. "This morning?"

Sirius recognized the self-deprecating tone as one of his own tones when he was talking about his family. His laughter turned suddenly to concern.

"Hey," he put a hand on her shoulder. "Hey, Ace, what's up?"

Awyn tuned on him, a demon replacing his friend. "Nothing," she snarled. "Nothing but death and pain and things you all cannot know. So stop trying to." With that she bolted down the stairs and out of the common room.

"Was it something I said?" asked Sirius, hurt in his eyes as he looked at Juniper, who merely sighed and went back to the dormitory, her words floating down behind her.

"Who knows anymore?"

-

-

-

-

-

James woke to the shouting in the stairway and went to the door, where he found a resigned Sirius and a very confused Lily. Sirius slipped back into the room, ignoring James's beseeching gaze. Lily sank to the step above him.

"Was that Ace?"

"Yeah."

"Is that what you meant…when you said something wasn't right?"

"Yeah."

"Is it her sister?"

"Yeah."

"Would you stop saying that?"

To his surprise, Lily broke into tears. "I don't know what else to say. I don't know anything else. She's become so…damaged. The Awyn I know wasn't like a bomb going off. What happened to that girl? What happened to the girl who was always trying to set up you and me, Juniper and Remus? What happened to the girl who used to laugh at everything? She doesn't just disappear."

James sat down next to Lily. "No. She's still there. She's just…she's changed. Imagine it like your sister had died." Lily snorted. "Fine then, imagine Juniper had died, or even Awyn. Imagine someone had killed them. What would you be like?"

"I would be angry. I would want to kill whoever hurt them. Even if they didn't die, I would want revenge."

"Exactly."

"So she's going to go after Voldemort?"

"I don't think Voldemort killed her sister."

"Then who did?"

"I don't know, but I feel like there's something we're missing."

Lily sighed. "I thought the last year was supposed to be fun. How can I have fun when one best friend is sinking into the pits of despair and the other is…"

"Is what?"

"Is so worried she can't do anything! All we ever talk about anymore is Awyn. All we ever think about is Awyn. She's what holds us together James."

James was taken aback by her use of his name for a mere second. "And she's not going to just let that go. She needs you. She just doesn't realize it."

"I don't even care about that anymore. I just want to see her laughing again. And I think the only chance at that just flew out the window."

"What do you mean?"

"Sirius."

"Ah."

"Yeah. They both pretend that it's not there but it is. There's always been something between the two of them. We all know it isn't Remus who she's meant to be with. Maybe that would be better, maybe he would take better care of her, but she and Sirius are the ones who are destined to be together. They've always been consumed with other relationships but now…" Lily sighed again. "I thought they would have the sense to be together."

"Things aren't that easy."

"What do you know that I don't?"

"Sirius has always been afraid of hurting people. He knows what's in his family. We all know what's in his family. And he doesn't want to hurt anyone so he stays as far away as possible from the people he cares the most about…unless…"

"Unless they make him stay close, like you and Remus and Peter. And Awyn is in no shape to do that."

"Exactly."

Lily's tears were still leaking out of her eyes. "I don't know how to do this. Awyn is the one who makes everything better, who gets everyone together. What do you do when the person who solves all of your problems is gone?"

"I think we have to do this one on our own."

"I know. And that's exactly what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid I won't be good enough at it."

James wrapped his arm around her and pressed his lips to the crown of her head, breathing in the scent of her coconut shampoo. "I'm sure you will be. I know you will be," he murmured into her hair. "I know we will be."


End file.
